Book Review: "There Is Nothing Wrong With You" by Cheri Huber

Regardless of what you were taught to believe, there is nothing wrong with you.  Or any of us.  And that is what this book attempts to communicate.

The subtitle is "Going Beyond Self-Hate: A compassionate process for learning to accept yourself exactly as you are."

This book was recommended to me by one of my mentors, Dr. Scott Walker, and I'm so glad I read it.  It was a quick, easy read that has become another experiment for me.

We all struggle with self-doubt, and as a practitioner who's blessed to be entrusted with my patients' deepest secrets, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that all of us have asked the question at some point in our lives, "What's wrong with me?"  We judge ourselves, abuse ourselves, sell ourselves short...  EVEN ME... and this book is an excellent education in how to stop these sabotaging behaviors.   We are all taught as children to be "good."  But in our attempts to be "good," we abandon our own needs and emotions, perceiving them as "bad." We punish ourselves.  We hate ourselves.  And that hatred extends outwards from us to those around us.

In this book, you'll learn how helping others can even be a form of self-abuse, and when we are abusing ourselves, the last thing we should be doing is helping others... Instead of coming from a position of abundance and love, we come from a place of lack and fear which breeds anger and resentment.  What good is it to help others if it just leaves you feeling angry and resentful at the end of the day?  How can you positively influence the world in that state?  Is that really being a "good person?"

This book showed me how to love myself in a deeper way than had ever occurred to me before.  What's really incredible to me is what I have noticed as I have conducted this experiment...  I'm doing things better than ever!  My thoughts are clearer, my body more coordinated... and I can't help but think of a child who has been knocked down with insults day after day, who starts to embody those insults...  When we show that child love and acceptance, they begin to shine.  Based on my experience, I believe the inner child is the same way.

"Don't waste your time and energy beating yourself up for having wandered.

Just sit quietly in gratitude for having returned."

So I hope you read this book... Then give yourself a pat on the back for taking that step and let me know what YOUR experience is in the comments below... (don't forget to follow this blog so you never have to miss a post again!)

How to boost your self-esteem! (aka Getting Out of a Funk:101)

Not too long ago, I had fallen into a funk and I decided I needed to take action to pull myself out of it. My self-esteem was suffering.

Don't we all have moments like that?  Sometimes, we feel like we're on top of the world, and the next year/week/day/minute, we feel like sitting in a corner, sucking our thumb, and singing this song:

So I thought I'd compile a list of the things I did to pull myself out of it.  Maybe it will be helpul for you, too!

STEP 1: BE A CRYBABY

I mean it!  You're hurt.  Let it out.  Give yourself permission to feel.  Give that inner child what it wants!  Grab your tissues, your blankie, find a quiet place to be alone, and embrace that pity party!  Then ask yourself why you feel this way.  Keep asking why until you get to what we NET practitioners call the "Lowest Common Denominator."  What is the core of the issue?  If circumstances are not what you would like them to be, ask yourself why it bothers you?  Does it make you feel like a failure?  Does it remind you of something you regret?  Something you want but don't have? Does it make you feel unloved?  What is the story you tell yourself that makes this a bad thing? What does it say about you that's so bad? Keep asking why it bothers you until you find the one thing underlying it all... the one thing that seems like the absolute worst thing about the whole situation... then save that for step 2. This is also a great time to journal about your hurts, whine to a trusted friend (who you've already warned that this is a venting session!!), and blubber like the baby you really want to be.

STEP 2: PUT YOUR BIG GIRL/BOY PANTS ON 

And that requires a big scoop of courage!  Let's face it: Facing inner demons can be scary.  But there's nothing scarier than getting to the end of your life never realizing how fabulous you were or never accomplishing your greatness because you were too scared to look at yourself honestly.  Go within.  Take a look at that piece of yourself that seems so detestable.  Make a list of all the things that make you imperfect.  Embrace it! Then don't stop until you hit step 3.

  

STEP 3: (REALITY) CHECK, PLEASE!

Now it's time to make a list of those things that you love about yourself too.  And start with how brave you were to make that first list... because that's pretty darn impressive. If you need some help, phone a friend or mentor and listen objectively.  You can also tell them what you think is so horrible and get a reality check.  If it's true, you know what you have to work on and start figuring out how to make a change.  But more likely, you're probably harder on yourself than anyone else.  Stop beating yourself up for being imperfect like 100% of your fellow human beings in this world. 

STEP 4: TREAT YOURSELF!

Think of something that brings joy to your heart... And DO IT!  I went dancing, I indulged in some retail therapy, I went for a spa treatment, I took myself out to dinner...  Do things that make you feel like it's a celebration and celebrate YOU!  Make yourself feel special because you are!  I even dressed up for my self-date!  You set the example for how others should treat you, so show the world what you deserve by doing it for yourself!  Listen to music that makes you happy or go for a nice  leisurely walk... if you're like me (and most of the world), slowing down and enjoying your surroundings in our busy, hectic schedules is luxury itself.  In all of these special moments you give yourself, take time, slow down, relish the experience, and celebrate being alive and having the opportunity to enjoy this time with yourself. Do these things with mindfulness. Note every sensation: the taste, feel, smell, and sounds that go with each moment. 

STEP 5: CONNECT WITH YOUR HIGHER POWER 

/VISIT WITH MOTHER NATURE

Take a walk in the woods, on the beach, or even a park nearby...  notice the stars, clouds, leaves, birds...  Pay attention to the scents in the air, the feel of the wind or sun on your face...  Breathe it all in with every cell of your being... and notice what a beautiful world you are an integral part of...  Go to church, pray, meditate... do what you need to do to feel connected to something greater than yourself.  Notice your heart beating, your blood flowing, your aliveness...  This is an exercise in mindfulness.  If you are looking for more information on this topic, try this course and tell Dr. Handlin I sent you.  (She's a fabulous teacher who's compassion and patience knows no bounds.) 

STEP 6: VOLUNTEER 

You can read about my most recent experience here , but the possibilities are endless.  Most importantly, find an opportunity that interests you where you can be hands on and get involved.  Go beyond yourself.  Stretch to the edges of your comfort zone.  See if you can interact with the people you're helping. Soup kitchens, Habitat for Humanity, and the recent efforts in Staten Island and the Jersey Shore are some suggestions to get you started.  This is such a unique experience for everyone, but it's rare that I find someone who doesn't benefit from this.  A quick online search can also help find a variety of opportunities. 

STEP 7: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
Make a gratitude list.  I say this all the time.  Gratitude is a such a healing state to be in.  And don't tell me you have nothing to be grateful for: When a quadriplegic who can't even swallow and lost their entire family in the accident that took their mobility can find things to be grateful for, anyone can.  Even if it's just the face that you woke up today. Or are breathing. Or aren't that quadriplegic.

STEP 8: TAKE ACTION!
The Universe rewards the action step!  So do it!  You've looked at what you don't like about yourself and your life... what are you going to do to change it?  Commit today to make a difference, keep working at it a little every day, and eventually, you'll get there.  There is no true failure but a failure to try.

What are you going to do differently tomorrow?

Screw enough. Be priceless.

I had an especially profound session of NET with a patient yesterday.  We've worked together for quite some time now, working through whatever issues bubble to the surface on this wild journey called life.  This particular patient has been going through a very big transition lately... she quit her full-time job to focus on her business.  She felt that quitting her job would give her the time she desperately needed to focus on her career goals, her health, and her overall happiness.

But a funny thing happened.

She seemed to have even LESS time than before!

She was still overwhelmed, lacking the time for exercise, lacking the motivation to eat well, never able to get 100% organized.

This is really a lesson for all of us... That we have time for what we MAKE time for... but I digress...

I noticed a pattern in her life, and she was up for a journey down the rabbit hole.

We started picking apart the story she was telling herself... that there wasn't enough money, enough time, enough of ANYthing...

We tested the concept of her being ok with having too much, not enough, and even just being ok as she was... None of which she was congruent with.

But then, as we spoke, and I continued to probe, we realized that this endless, infinite pursuit of "enough" was about something more.  I asked her, "Why do you need more? Why aren't YOU enough?" and we both stopped.

We had hit the mother load; the core issue that was driving all her pain and suffering.

How many of us are driven on endless journeys just like this one because underlying it all, we are just trying to measure up?  How many of us never feel like we are enough?  How many of us can't be happy with what we have because we always tell ourselves we could do more, be more, have more?

What kind of world would we create if we all felt like we were enough? And how much better would THAT world be if we all realized we were PRICELESS?

(PS I'm happy to say that we did clear this issue for her, and she felt a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. I can't wait to see the shift manifest in her life!)

Your child is not broken...

I'm bracing myself because I'm sure I'll offend some folks with this one, but it needs to be said.

Your child is not broken.

There is nothing wrong with them. 

Sadly, the people who need to read this probably won't or won't think I'm talking about them, but it breaks my heart every time a parent contacts me telling me that their young child needs professional help because they challenge them as parents.

THAT'S WHAT CHILDREN DO!

And some will definitely be better at it than others.  But to teach a child that there is something wrong with them because of this only destroys their self-esteem.


It's a child's job to test the boundaries, and a parent's job to lovingly set them. 

Believe me... I am by no means saying being a parent is easy.  Being a parent is the hardest job that exists, and it often goes unappreciated.  Setting boundaries in a loving way is nearly impossible at times.  But to blame your child for your own inadequacies is (dare I say it?) abusive. 

You consciously chose to bring them into this world. And with that choice, you elected to be their guardian... to protect their developing mind from undue stress, to nurture their self-esteem, and to teach them how to deal with the world and thrive.  If you are choosing to consider yourself a victim of their behavior, what are you teaching them? That they are broken? They they are victims of their environment? 

I am happy to help children overcome those things that challenge them, but more importantly, if you feel there is something wrong with your child, it's time to look in a mirror. 

How are you guilty of the behaviors you accuse them of?  How can you adjust your parenting techniques to make things run smoother in the household?  Children will often resist structure and discipline, but if you stand firm (and fair!!), they will thrive.  Perhaps we need to utilize some NET to help you let go of your fears, resentments, and other emotions that are preventing you from being the parent you want to be. 

Here's the cold, hard truth... if your children are not who you want them to be, it's not their fault; it's yours. And if this made you angry, or brought out some other emotion for you, I encourage you to let me have it in the comment section below.