We went to bed and woke again at 5:30. We sat down to meditate. Three oms followed by 25 minutes of silence. And the moment the silent meditation began, a rainstorm blew in, seemingly out of nowhere. It was so surreal, I had to open my eyes and sneak a peek just to make sure it wasn't just the wind rustling in the palm trees. But it was most definitely pouring. It was so sudden, so unexpected, and the moment before our meditation ended, it retreated as quickly and as silently as it had come. I had the sense that we had been cleansed. After the chanting, Rabbi Dave spoke again. He took a moment to honor the beautiful rainshower that had come through, the magic of it. And I realized, we don't pause enough in our world to honor those special moments. At first, it seemed odd that he was taking these pauses, but wouldn't we all be happier if we did? More chanting, Satsang ended, and I decided to skip yoga for two hours of Sivasana... in my bed. (aka a nap) I realized that though I wanted to go to yoga, my body was exhausted from the lack of self-care it had been getting leading up to my trip, and it was time to give it what it needed. When I woke, I headed to brunch, and then Sean and I went for a walk on the beach where I almost stepped on this little guy!
Then we went to Rabbi Dave's class on Gratitude and Disappointment... which he explained with a chuckle was a topic assigned by the ashram when he didn't get back to them in time.
He began speaking about how he observes so many people who feel like they're "almost there" meaning that they refer to all these things they have to do before their life can really begin. They have to find a spouse, have a family, retire, make that last million, etc. What he wanted to remind us is that we are already THERE. THERE is NOW. As someone who is very goal oriented, this struck a chord. He went on to say that there are so many who are trying to be "better." I sat up. Yes. I always want to be better. What is wrong with that? He explained that to want to be BETTER, we are telling ourselves on some level that we are not okay as we are, and to always be pushing ourselves to be better is committing violence towards ourselves. I was confused by this. Should I never aspire to be anything more?
I have contemplated this a lot since then and I think I have realized what he meant. We should never think that we are not complete and lovable as we are. If something does not bring you joy, you should not be pursuing it. I meditate because I like its effect on my body and mind. I run because I like its effect on my body and mind. I eat healthy and limit my alcohol and sugar consumption because I like its effect on my body and mind. When we are truly loving ourselves, we are not making choices we resent. We are in gratitude for what we are capable of and enjoy expressing our potential. My favorite moments of life are when I am in the process of realizing how much potential I have and expressing new levels of that potential. Life is not about punishment... it's about playing with the boundaries of our potential! It's about experiencing joy!
Last winter, when I was going through that emotionally trying time, having regular "meetings" with God to help me work through it, I had gone for a hike, alone, in the snow. It was a beautiful, blue-sky day. I stopped under one of my favorite trees to pray. Tears ran down my face as I spoke to God... I asked for guidance, comfort, understanding... I looked up and saw a hawk circling above me, and as I sat there, feeling God's presence, the idea floated into my head that if I could only have a bird's-eye view of my life, this moment would seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, such a small speed bump in the journey of life. I tell you this because at this moment in the discussion, Rabbi Dave paused and said, "If we could only have a bird's-eye view of our lives..." I nearly fell off my chair. I won't bore you with all the other little synchronicities between what he had to say and my life... But I feel when there are so many, just like the elevens in "I Origins," the statistical odds are just too unlikely. For me, that is God's way of getting my attention. And He most certainly did. I knew in that moment, that, not only was I exactly where I needed to be, but I had found a new teacher. It turns out that Rabbi Dave has a center in Manhattan, and I will be seeing him again.
At this point, despite really wanting to attend Arjuna's second class about Mantras and Meditation, I
More yoga, dinner, more meditation, more chanting, and God concluded my homecoming party with an amazing concert with Jorge Alfano, Jeff Dean, and Paloma Devi. He even threw in a comedy routine as a very loud party boat pulled up just off shore as they were attempting to start their performance. Everyone got a good laugh as Jorge incorporated it into the show. I didn't want to leave, but with every day on the island better than the last, I couldn't fathom how the next day, or any visit going forward for that matter, could be anything other than disappointing.
When I went to bed that night, I was so filled with joy and gratitude, that even the horrible, obnoxiously loud karaoke from the cruise ships couldn't dull my spirits. When I was awoken by it at 2am, I chuckled to myself when I realized they were singing "Don't Stop Believin'." How appropriate for my journey that week. When I was awoken at 3am, it was so unintelligible, it convinced myself it was one of our chants as it lulled me back to sleep.
On my last day, I hopped out of bed when the bell rang at 5:30 to pack so I didn't have to miss a moment of the last few hours I had left. We did our meditation, our chants, and Arjuna was speaking this morning. I had my final yoga class with him as well and it was the best class I had the entire time I was there. He encouraged us to smile during our practice and I felt myself celebrating the day, celebrating my newfound flexibility, the stillness I finally sensed within me.... The JOY of life! Of living and loving every moment of being alive. I found myself feeling that every breath is a celebration.
Sadly, I had to rush through breakfast to catch my boat back, and Elena was sweet enough to wash my dishes for me so I wouldn't be late. What a gift.
As our boat pulled away from the dock, I was so grateful I'd come and was already considering when I would be back. I felt such a change within and wondered how easy this would be to maintain back in the "real" world, where life tugs our attention in so many directions. I realized that I had been existing on spiritual snacks as opposed to meals, candy as opposed to nourishment. On the plane home, I committed to setting up a meditation corner as soon as I got home.
The first morning waking in my own bed, I was disheartened to awake feeling less than enthusiastic about leaving my warm bed. I asked myself, "If I allowed myself to feel this way right now and loved and accepted me as I am, would I do anything different?" I realized I would do whatever I needed to do to make myself feel better. How would I do that? Meditate and do yoga. So I got up, and did just that. And it was like someone plugged me back into the energy of the ashram, and I was recharged and refreshed. It was so exciting to realize that I can reconnect to that energy whenever I want to just by sitting in stillness with my mantra.
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| God is one, the names are many. |
Oh, and by the way, what time do you think popped onto the screen at the moment my boarding pass was printing?
11:11
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